Priest (2011)

3 / 5  May '11 
Tagline:  The War is Eternal. His Mission is Just the Beginning.
Directed by:  Scott Charles Stewart
Written by:  Cory Goodman, Min-Woo Hyung
Actors include:  Paul Bettany, Cam Gigandet, Maggie Q
Genre:  Thriller, Horror, Action, Western
Length:  87 minutes
Banned:  Nope

Review:
Well, this was my first ever 3D movie in the theater, and unfortunately it didn't really utilize this tool very effectively but it did add a nice touch or two.  The particularly stellar part was the Gothic animation in the beginning sequences, it's too bad they didn't use more of this throughout the film.  What they did use were CGI vampires that resembled Marilyn Manson, ridiculously laughable script ("Kill 'Em All") and some of the most implausible action sequences (oh I'm talking about you stones thrown into the air that were used as steps) I think I've ever seen.  Conceptually it's decent enough, it's about a war that occurred between humanity and vampires and Priests were the saviors of humans.  They have since disbarred and been outcast in society and must work demeaning tasks.  The vampires were supposedly vanquished (note I said "supposedly") which leads us to our next problem.  A family are brutalized and a daughter Lucy held captive by vampires, of course the way this works is that a Priest is related to her.  He must leave his Priesthood in order to kick some butt and save Lucy with a little help from a fella called Hicks.  Anyhow it is filled with action...and if you like scenes were people glide around on bikes in the snow for long stretches...you will love this movie.  There were at least a few redeeming qualities to this, the visuals were striking and the plot was okay.  Maybe not exactly my cup-o-tea but not worth writing off entirely.

Availability:  Still in theaters

The Legend Of The 7 Golden Vampires (1974)

2.5 / 5 Mar '10
Tagline: Deadly Horrors! Dragon Thrills! The First Kung Fu Horror Spectacular!
Directed by: Roy Ward Baker
Written by: Don Houghting
Actors include: Peter Cushing, David Chiang, Julie Ege
Genre: Action, Horror
Length: 83 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
I really didn't care for this, it's Hammer's last vampire picture and it's my least favorite by far. It combines the world of kung fu in with Dracula and I'm afraid the two don't fit together. The film was basically plotless though the spirit of Dracula (made up to look like Christopher Lee's version of Dracula only much cheaper) goes into the spirit of a fighter warlord guy in order to look after 6 other vampires. One of the only good things about this is the fact that Peter Cushing appears as Van Helsing but it's simply not enough to make this interesting. Much of the film is sword fighting group scenes with too much going on at once, and since they didn't bother with character development it's hard to give a hoot. That and it seems that it just keeps repeating over and over again making this film feel ridiculously long even though it really wasn't. It's even more shocking to see that Roy Ward Baker was one of the directors, he is usually on point! Well I should mention that I don't much care for kung fu movies and maybe that is why I really thought this was a bore, but then again maybe this was just lazy?

Availability:  On DVD

The Omega Man (1971)

3.5 / 5   Apr '10
Tagline: Pray for the last man alive. Because he's not alone.
Directed by: Boris Sagal
Written by: John William Corrington, Joyce Hooper Corrington
Actors include: Charlton Heston, Anthony Zerbe, Rosalind Cash
Genre: Science Fiction, Horror, Thriller
Length: 89 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Oh gee well this was sillier than I expected and I knew this was a Charlton Heston flick going in and I generally appreciate his hilarious ways. The story I'm sure is very interesting, it's one of several film takes on the book "I Am Legend" of course and I haven't seen any of the other adaptations yet so I can't compare. I can say that the vampire/zombie things in this one were kind of lame looking...they had whiteish contacts, wore capes with hoods and looked like they'd bathed in baby powder...not at all threatening. The story goes that we are following Heston around who appears to be the last fellow alive because he was a scientist who had a vaccination to the disease that turned the rest of the population into zombiepyres. These monsters can't go out in the light so most of the time it's entirely safe! When he sees a mannequin that moves he learns he's not entirely alone hand has some silly love scenes and lots of fighting monsters too. I appreciated the violence but the tension and fear were never created, but at least the story kept some momentum. Not bad, but I look forward to seeing the adaptation called The Last Man on Earth, I've heard it's spookier and this story could use some of that!

Availability:  On DVD & Blu-Ray

Mr. Vampire (1985) aka Geung si sin sang

4 / 5 Oct '10
Tagline: N/A
Directed by: Ricky Lau
Written by: Ricky Lau, Cheuk-Hon Szeto
Actors include: Ching-Ying Lam, Ricky Lau, Siu-hou Chin
Genre: Action, Comedy, Horror
Length: 97 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Although I'm not sure this made a lick of sense were you to pull it apart it's not meant to be. It's purely entertaining absurd comedy with some kung fu action and a touch of horror thrown in. So I don't understand the why on most of this stuff but let's see if I can kind of give a plot synopsis. There is a Master, and two bumbling trainees, also an army of zombies who hop like bunnies (my favorite part) but are kept docile by putting spells on them. In fact spells (made from voodoo paper, and chicken's blood and sticky rice) seem to tame most things when they are in danger. There are also vampires, on of the assistants is bitten by a zombie and tries to stave off zombie effects by dancing around like a fool, and by filing his teeth and nails. The other assistant is possessed by some attractive ghost who throws her own head around. The lessons I learned from this film are that people in Hong Kong are very superstitious, you can't mix sticky rice with other rice, and that more zombies should bounce like bunnies, it's hilarious! It's well paced, action packed and full of laughs, definitely a winner for those of us looking for something rather strange but also very fun.  Also it's worth noting that there are several other entries into the Mr. Vampire series, but this is the first.

Availability:  On DVD